Mad bastard with a laptop talks tech

I’ve recently been struck by the urge to blog again. I tinker with the idea of writing every so often when i come across a bizarre form of story or verse, which I’ll batter out my own version of and suddenly it’ll dissipate like a spiritual orgasm. But the last few months, it’s hit a lot more often, so I thought I’d pick up this thing again. Hopefully it lasts a lot longer than the last *quickly checks*… jesus, 3 times. Hopefully I stick to it a lot longer this time round. Anyway, I digress (Oh, how I plan to digress. Prepare for a metaphorical fucking hedge maze of digression. Example: everything I’ve just put in brackets). 

I’ve been doing a lot of travelling on the train recently, which leaves me with 2 hours to kill as I hurtle through the Northern Irish countryside at 100 odd miles per hour. 

So I read about random things online (provided I’m near a city, of course, otherwise it’s as fast as a man attempting to push treacle uphill with his erection) that I think will be interesting to me. I’ve been fascinated by the concept of Smart Cities (Or Digital Cities, depending the pompous arsehole you ask [Smart Cities, thanks for asking]).

I’ve always been somewhat of a technophile (and I’ll thank you to google that before calling the constabulary) and as the years pass I find myself in awe of the heights we’ve reached. 

This blog post that all 5 of you are reading has been typed on a combination of metal and plastic, summoning a connection to each one of you through thin air, as if by fucking magic. You, in turn, are reading it on a device that, in most cases, is currently functioning without any sort of external power source. If I were to go back 200 years in the past with this device and show it to the locals, I’d be either worshipped as a very crap god or burnt at the stake as an incredibly hairy witch (or possible werewolf. They believed a lot of nonsense in those days. Thank god things have changed, eh? Now, instead of burning these people at the stake, people who are cripplingly lonely pay them all their money to be told “Your mum loved you probably, and I guess she’s proud you’re not a junkie or something, I don’t know, give me 100 pounds”).

Now I try to read up on future tech, the things we expect to see in 100 years time, and it is honestly amazing. Smart cities will be comprised of buildings and technology, comprised as one sculpture. As you walk down the street, you’ll see a blank billboard, upon which the Google Glasses you’re wearing will project an advert that will interest you, based on what you own in your digital home, an advert only you will see. When you walk past your favourite shop, a subtle buzz from your smart watch will inform you that those jeans you look really good in but you thought were too expensive, and, lets be honest, no one would notice them on you anyway, are now on sale. Opening the door to your favourite coffee house will send a message from the NFC chip in your phone to the till, readying your usual coffee, and allowing you to pay for it with a quick swipe on its finger print scanner. Coffee in hand, you’ll walk to your mates new house, with directions being laid over your vision from the tiny projector in your glasses. When you reach his home, your phone will tell his smart watch you’re at the door and, with a simple gesture, it will open for you. The food will be prepared in a 3D printer in a design that would give Picasso an instant hard on, and a tiny robot on the table will continue to pour glasses of that over priced piss you call wine. 

This is the world I want to live in. A world were knowledge is instant and technology is king. 

And just to be an argumentative bastard, I would like to outline the downside to all of this. 

In a world where everyone is connected (And if you didn’t read that in the stereotypical movie announcer voice, you have no soul), what does that mean for our privacy? If everything is linked to the internet, doesn’t that mean you can always be found, no matter where you are?

That’s why there will always be an argument for cities like we have now. Where you can choose what you have, and what it’s connected to and, more importantly, who can see it. Nothing is safe these days, as everyone who has seen Jennifer Lawerences breasts can attest to. Most internet enable products now come with a basic level of encryption, but no manual on how to enable it. Encryption is a massively important part of any digital society, and it’s not being used correctly, or most of the time. 

In short (hahahahahaha), technology is a wonderful thing if used correctly and I, for one, love every single bit of it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch a complete stranger review a Game Boy from the early 90s because THAT'S WHY THE INTERNET WAS INVENTED! 

Hopefully I’ll be back next week for another exciting episode of “What the fuck is this bloke talking about?”

GWB