If you are a bloke that suffers from mental health, you are probably genuinely terrified about anyone, especially your male friends, finding out.
In 2015, there were 318 suicides in Northern Ireland. Of those, 245 were male. We live in this toxic culture where somehow people can’t talk about how they feel because its been drummed into us by an older generation that we aren’t the real men that men used to be, or that men didn’t cry or get sad in their day, they just got on with things. Somehow the fact that John from the coal mines used to go home and beat his wife because of how unhappy he was in himself was something people were more ok with than John sitting down with his mate and telling him that he’s not content in life anymore.
“What are you crying for, you big girl?”. Emotions are seen as feminine, and therefore weakness, even though women aren’t killing themselves at a terrifying rate. Think about that for a second. As a gender, we have come to accept the fact that some men would rather literally kill themselves than talk about their feelings. They would rather be dead than ‘weak’.
I am sure almost everyone with mental health issues have been told to ‘cheer up’ or ‘stop being sad’, or that their condition doesn’t exist. My personal favourite is ‘there are people way worse off than you’, like just because other people are suffering, my own state of mind doesn’t matter. There isn’t some internal scale that balances out the problems of other people with your own and decide that you get to be happy all the time. And that’s something that you should always keep in mind on your worst days: Yes, of course other people have lives that, in comparison, are much worse than yours. But their troubles do not negate the ones you have, and that’s something that is so important to keep in mind.
Mental health is important and should be looked after just as much as actual physical health. I’ve been coping with mine for roughly 12 years or so now and I’ve started to get good at handling the big flare ups. Some still knock me on my ass, but I control more than I let knock me down. So I’ve compiled a little guide on how to cope with things. Honestly, reading through them, you’ll probably think that they are incredibly self-explanatory and they won’t suit everyone, but I know from personal experience that seeing how other people have coped helped me curate my own list.
- Distraction
Sitting and listening to your brain tell you what a waste of space you are is not going to help you get over this. The first thing you need to do is get away from your thoughts. You need to step back, and concentrate on something else. I have a few things that help me with this. Top of that list is ambient music. Tycho are a great example of what works best for me (Link here). It’s laid back, but it’s also a little upbeat. I find ambient works better because I can read too much into lyrics on occasion. As there are no lyrics, that also means I can throw myself into something else. I love reading. It’s been my go to hobby since I was a child. And throwing yourself head first into someone else’s problems is always a much better alternative to worrying about your own. Especially if they are the little trivial thoughts that have only been magnified by an anxiety attack. Reading and ambient music are the best thing I can do for myself when it all gets a little much. It puts me in this little bubble that exists outside all the stupid crap my brain is trying to throw at me, and helps me calm down. When I’m calmer, that’s when I can start to be rational. When I can start to get better.
Now this won’t always work for everyone. But that’s why there are alternatives. TV shows. Movies. Video games. YouTube. I have spent countless hours getting lost in a YouTube hole before realising that hey, I’m not actually freaking out anymore.
2) Removal
I find that locking yourself away is sometimes a bigger problem that an attack itself. Taking myself somewhere outside the living room or the house is the best thing I can do for myself. Sitting in panic is awful. Sitting in panic for 3 days convincing yourself that you’re not able to rejoin the outside world is even worse. I love coffee. And when I feel an attack coming on during the day, I grab a book or my tablet and take myself off somewhere I can sit for an hour or so, have a coffee and be outside my regular comfort zone. This might sound counterproductive when you’re anxious, but it works for me. The longer I sit and worry somewhere I’m comfortable, the longer it takes me to get out of my rut. Even just going for that walk makes me feel a little better and brighter. Hell, taking myself out to a coffee shop and doing something productive is the very reason I wrote this.
3) Venting
Sometimes I can distract myself, or remove myself and feel better because I’ve been worried about some stupid, trivial crap. On other occasions none of this will actually work because I’m worried about something tangible, something that needs fixed or something that I can’t control. I’m lucky enough that I have someone in my life that I can sit and blow off steam with, who’ll listen to me when I’m worried and not try and tell me how stupid I’m being or outlining, sometimes rightly, that I’m just blowing something way out of proportion.
Not everyone has that. What’s even more frightening is a lot of people do have this, but are so worried about what other people will think of them that they won’t even attempt to use it.
This will probably seem a little obvious, but if you’re really worried about talking to anyone, you can always vent to yourself. Write it down, type it up, make a voice memo on your phone and listen to it back. Just get it out of your system.
4) Managing the physical symptoms
Not everyone is aware of the physical symptoms that come with an anxiety attack or a serious bout of depression. Some people have trouble breathing and need to take themselves off to be alone, in a good size open space to let them regulate this. Breathing exercises work. Just taking 5 minutes to take long, deep breaths will steady your heart rate. There are apps on most platforms that will help you control your breathing cycle. I use the one that’s built into my watch about once a week.
The main symptom I get, is the knot in my stomach. And when I need it to go away, I find a wall and I stand in front of it. I put my hands against it, and I start to push with the balls of my feet, up through my legs, and chest and press my hands against the wall. I hold that for about 5 seconds and when I let all the tension go, the knot I have goes with it. Probably the best thing that I’ve come across to date to help me manage my symptoms.
5) Remember: You are not alone
There are a lot of people going through depressive bouts, who suffer from anxiety, who think that they’re not good enough to do anything. They get lost in this wave of self-hatred and they get lost in themselves. Look after yourself.
If you need to talk, you can come talk to me. I’m happy to go through the stuff that works for me, and to see how it can apply to you. If you need help, I can put you in touch with some people who helped me. Or even if you just want to talk or to vent, I’m happy to listen. Just don’t think you’re alone in this.
- GWB
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